KROTCH Zine (Issue 20)

TWENTY !

KROTCH MAG is proud to celebrate its 20th issue of
discount writing by Prague & for Prague. Since we began
the project in June 2022, our goal has been to promote local
writing on local topics to generate new perspectives on
larger themes & questions -- what is poetry? what is art?
and how can I get drunk for free? (these are all the same
questions). tus

And since beginning the project, we've also learned a lot.
. Por example, asking people to submit us "bad" writing is, in
principle, the same as asking someone to send us "good"

writing -- each qualification is subjective and dependent
on past experiences that build expectations.

We also learned that the community writers for KMAG often

don't need explanations because they understand, somehow,

what these unspoken conventions are--even when we don't

know ourselves. And, perhaps, this is the beauty about :

community works; you create your own notions of "good" and
"bad" by collective shared experiences.

However micro, however local. :

Perhaps this is all we will have left in the age of global
mass media where conventions and expectations are
mass-maintained through algorithmic gatekeeping and the
institutionalization of "expression." Ss uck art

| ] school.
We want to give a huge thank you to
all who have contributed to KROTCH
over the last twenty issues and to all
of you who took the time to support
K-MAG. You have helped us belong and
find our belonging amongst the
contorted culture of the 21st
century. Long live the
shitheads.

- KMAG EDITORS

WWW.OBJ ECTPARADISE.COM

Thousands of years ago, Bohemia was a sacred

| ground where Gods vacationed, Two particular
Gods, Večerka and Nonstopka, would take their
divine rest on the golden beaches of Vinohrady,
tanning their bodieg by the sea. It's true—
Czechia wasn't always landlocked and block
housing.

c There once was a beautiful seg, set in
picturesque nature with good hotels and fair
prices. But the Gods couldn't spend all eternity
here. they had lives after all, and someone had
to keep an eye on the beaches while they were
gone. So the Gods pulled some kluci from Bohuzel
to look after the place while they retreated
back to their typical duties in Brussels.

Večerka and Nonstopka made sure the kluci were
well-cared for. They had, after all

3 streans of branik

"Never drink more than 10 gallons a day. if you
over consume, you will create fires in your
mouth and you will become very thirsty. Please
trust us," Večerka and Nonstopka warned the

bohuzel kluci.

The kluci were fascinated by the Gods' infinite
golden showers, but were very carful to tend to
the land and the people. But the kluci become
somewhat Gods themselves, and, hefore too long,
were hosting grand parties that helped populate
the rest of the land. |

However, all the fun event
ually woul
the great Czechia Change. The Kluoi a E:

getting piss drunk all the time t
ot
where day and night did not differ. 1

They even smoked in bed, which caused
, massive
ha = phd 8 75 infernos and to quench their
ver irsts, they drai
1 bt > y ned all the water

When Vecerka and Nonstopka returned, they were so upset
that they decided to keep the people of the Czech
land forever thirsty by ensuring that water at
restaurants would never he served for free, and
that beer would always would be cheaper. Today,
we can still see the mark of Vecerka and
Nonstopka's rule in the slow flow of the Vltava
that is 2/5 water and 1/5 branik.

Clean living room
Clean bathroom

Unload dishwasher
Buy ticket to punk show
Hot chocolate/cig
Fold laundry/put away
Cut hair/trim pubes
Deeply moisturize
Meditate

Masturbate

Sleep

LS d

We were on the second bottle of red when he said,
"L was born an artist."

"I mean, I respect what you've done,” I toid him, "It's
impressive you sold your work for half yr rent.
Really nice place up in vinohrady and all. But I
think we have different values."

He edged.

"You see," I said, "I want to live in a world where art
& artist is always a response, not a product or a
title. Where art is happening, intimately and
uniquely--not in a prescribed way of looking at
something or someone."

~

"But not everyone can he an artist, right?" he asked.

"This is where we agree," I said. "When Im throwin
trash all over my room, I'm not "being an artist. Im
just a drunk, But if someone walks in and thinks I do
it artistically, then, to them, Tm an artist."

"What doesn't make sense to me is png ene Opposite
= ~~telling someone Im an artist when they don't see it
that way at all."

: 1 Now swap the word trash and drunk for art and artist.
Do you get my point?

If we call this thing art, it automatically makes
' something else not art. I don't want someone to decide
for me, Its a damn good way to make money tho.

but i don't need money. I feel rich as fuck when I'm
drunk,

Because the dictionary is a guide, a sample, a
curation by people in Oxford. Art is the same.

When someone asserts that art exists, they are
asserting their own existence--their own subjective
response.

This is beautiful and it should he celebrated; but
their existence is not the only one.

The real celebration is this right now--these words,
in this order, in ga ear, after all this wine--has
nov a in the history of humankind before this
moment,

You are the first and only person to hear it like you
do, before this candle, in that chair, with your
history and your hangover and your rent due.

$ That is the incredible, stupidly underrated
experience I care about.

Your subjectivity--its immediacy, iis
imperfect individuality, its exper ser -is the whole
show. 158 already more interesting
han whatever someone told you 2
was interesting. 4

The viewer is the poet.
Tze artist. *

Local Artist Suggests ‘No More Weekend Jams’
in Light of the New Musician's Workweek

( PRAGUE ) Thursday The discussion about

through Saturday has artist-compensation

officially been declared goes back millennia.

the musician workweek, However, jaws continue
to provide not only

Due to the ruling, all entertainment for our

jams outside of these community, but they

hours have been asked to also create spaces

suspend operation. where those communities
can fora,

The ruling came last week

when a local artist . We hope that Prague

suggested that jam venues continues to pursue its

do not respect musicians, free approach to
Suggested Artist Look stating, community gathering.

Paid musicians will
"people who go to jams are find their gigs all the
ES getting free game regardless of when
entertainment--meanwhile, jams happen.
people like me, are
finding it hard to get an KROTCH Mag stands in
audience." opposition to the
ruling and suggests
At press timo, the artist that you go downtown to
declared, have & good time
wherever you can find
"what ends up happening it.
is that people don't want
to pay for my concerts muse rouen MN
because they're use to all cd T MET
the free jams throughout 7
Prague.“

Before the ruling, artists
New Jazz Jam Guidelines were req to travel
Released by Jazz Police outside of Žižkov to make
ame. money where concertos are
promoted, "professional,"
and attended hy men with
nice hair cuts who play
in the intermission
jam-band between jams.

FOR THE

What I learned from not gettin dang drunk for I2 days:

Prahaha in yr 20s is like reliving yr teens:
branik becomes bottomless, topless. excuse

to become fully nude and fuck like Vino
hrady deities, drinking the objectivity

44kc for teply 2litre plasty Braniky gekleu
was and is fucking crazy. I would never
sober go a to stranger's hosue just to see
their balcony. remember her name now

i do--the mole on inside of her

thigh is svejk shaped. her name

svejka, topless she watched me

pouring into myself, watering p"
sometimes something else. breaking y

4 $ y Ü a 1
£ i 8
F
FE icy cw A
x 2 ty m : E dE €
FFC dock
" * 5
* 1 i ese RER y

X
Iz

xS LAO AUR

my nose from her ridi elvis |
bc the sideways E - horizontal =

in bed (can he nice). days of week can he
consecutive. hooks with ends. bc the root |
cause of everything is just before |
and after language. and now i have more |
time to write but have no desire to
bc my nose ain't crooked,

iam

R2 ; 5 J
32 Having a hand is always a bad idea, But furthermore it costs cash
and if you, like myself, have Been at the wrong place at the wrong
|time when they asked who has money and who doesn't then you're the
audience for this recipe of how to make your own band merch,

à:
D.
¿E

|

NI f +
e
: — we
Band merch budget workshop for the dummy beginners
Ingredients:

Í - shit to apply the shit on
4 - the shit which you want to apply on shit
- shit english

- friends you can give the resulting shit to (hardest part)

Y) X a) UN mm T A
P LS if . e a s m y 4

* What Ts)
you need is to do. M

E We
17 (Es * E Y

\

have some heavy metal band t-shirts. then you have to get friends
who you can borrow colors from for the fabric for. then you need
brushes to repaint the t-shirts. ok i do not have any brushes. or
T | money./ Ok adapt, improvise, overcome. there's a number of things

| which could he brushes. what i did and will recommend.

|

— EA A Me
| is:
d AA

make a paint Brush WITH the combination of chopsticks, A broken
E í
: Tart a Re

file and old sock attached to a fork. Bon appetit!
A | now paint the band's logo on with your brush. you're done!

— ~ 8 *

ue à

T AAD

now da A it to someone. I kinda choose where to go by random and I

id ' à chance i will go! I will gladly
ve d ery elusive but theres a good |
1 ee O anytime soon! Meanwhile enjoy your togetherness if it is

even a word!

VU! lg

Py — à
o I. EET:
a * g
« £ < Aie =-
_ TR 2 ihe ;

A TN P x
„ )
Te `

.
-
E

am a lot stronger than
i thought
with cock
full of

drink

A

un `
E

—

= "Imagine you'
T Io in re standing on Vikova Ra ap
nue to have a little Beal ren E: =o On ap
wo of your

and lit i i
up a fresh cigarette, Then the un zou Just rolled

; i
the story about the prossen up. Then he begins telling |

y 1 "> eo can try his machine ri T tells A Ar ies
Of course, you're skeptical — ght here and right pon
and don't want to go —— : TR,
into the cardboard box he brought
with him, and after vocalizing it, he
offers to teleport your freshly rolled Eo
cigarette, You hesitate, because you really want
to smoke, but the whole situation is kind of >
funny and worth further exploration, so you
agree. The homie asks you where you want to send

>
LAN > ape"
CT ^ . 8 A

your cigarette, and it suddenly comes to your
the hand of your friend
hates when she smokes and "
o you, You know that kJ x
| Yinohrady and that she's home He explains that every
right now, so you give the mysterious magician | cell of the cigarette
h "go on then, teleport my 4 will be scanned,
cigarette." "ET including the memory of
= the materials, so it's md
3 "d exactly the same —
R cigarette that will appear
. f mmt > in your friend's hand. ile &
- | kicks the box twice and
slows on two little d
batteries taped on its s
„ insides. He assures you that
— u”. All take only a second
, ea RUT that he'll need to
. > A destroy your cigarette
en) after the teleportation
process because there
can he only one
cigarette like that in
existence,

EP Thats when you get angry»
liy needed this
However, the homie Ba
" the teleportation process. T
Be you stop him an the cigarette out ME
or the box, snapping at him for the fucking stupid show he
a. You finish your cigarette, and

just pulled. He leaves.

minutes you getap
j ey impossikle just happened. I was at

it-up eigaretie appeared in my
wut how the fuck did it |;

Tholducdtidi RITA

: : : eleporte

cigarette in your friend's hand urn

nn or did it lose the self and
ecome a completely different entity?

7 *
— b Oa Pa
i er i
y TM
T 9 um h

No c =

» due AP

JAZZ STANDARDS vs

COVERS

Immediate elevation of artistic

E US EL =
Tr^ &
Y

status upon the first chord; VV
individuals in the front rows pet Wonderwall playing
their furs, ignite their cigars, and

nod in slow approv

Eye contact with other musicians is
strictly prohibited, especially
after the allocation of three

consecutive guitar solos

Eye contact with other
musicians is highl
recommended. Especially wit
the british stag that just
walked in. They love Wonderwall.

Compulsory knowledge for beginners No knowledge
seeking temporary permission to
access the stage occupied «By

required; stage
professionals, ideally not fe

access granted to anyone holding
something vaguely shaped like a
T

guita

y

Limited repertoire decide

Alini S . repertoire from Spotif
the jazz poli . a 55 501 12 P y

mit
ge" Top 50 indi

2 8 Ze Mi

e knows the songs and they

"e sing along

Everyone knows the
but no one can sing

EY. ORE.

Ever

ER NN

Karaoke adaptation impossible Highly compatible with karaoke

a

No vocalists

Always with a vocalist

Only on Thursdays at jazz venues Works everywhere (hesides punk
and sounds best with wine in hand venues, respectable venues, and most

jam venues), with anything in hand
LL sess
KROTCH MAG

KROTCH MAG
DOES NOT RECOMMEND DOES NOT RECOMMEND

How to Book Literary Events in Zi/kov

So you want to organize yourself a pretty little EDT a you,
You've had enough of boring, old readings in New Town, given by
crusty old poets, the only attraction being the bad free wine.
^ Well wait no more: light your cigarette, put on your flat cap,
open your notepad and follow these instructions which are
guaranteed to guide you on your way of becoming the uber zt
literary events in /17kov. P.

> —
When communicating with a venue owner, somewhere in ZiYkov, you
have to first prove you aren't from Vinohrady. You should he
smoking, even if inside, perhaps especially if you are inside. The
owner will, if they like you, start telling you stories from the
"wild 90s," completely forgetting why you came and » = are,
grateful for the youthful audience. x s

After the tenth beer and the fifth shot, you ask, so, can we have
our reading here? Ànd they ask how many people you are
expecting, and you say, I dunno, twenty, maybe thirty. And they
say, hm, so that means ten, fifteen if you are lucky, right. And
you say, nah, my mom's boyfriend Milan said he would come so that
makes sixteen at the very least. And they say, ok, sure, and ask
for a five thousand crowns deposit, which they return if the
amount your audience spends at the bar matches it.

ou leave, 1 giddy you've booked your first poetry event
izkov. - Ong, Žižkov!

2 You e arri to fall asleep that night as your Bee runs
wild with all the possibilities: should someone shit on stage?!
should we do facepainting?! should I MUR my d oh I am į
definitely oes my typewriter! ge j

So the day finally comes, all sixteen of your audience members on
maybe,“ you arrive at the venue expecting cheering crowds. The
venue is full indeed, but not of your people, and the owner is

| nowhere to be found. You realize the venue has completely
forgotten about your event, isn't looking like it's gonna return
your five grand (you didn't assume you would need a receipt of

| course, that would he so Vinohrady) and instead there is 1a Ona i
birthday party of the local Jan. mam nma .

Your QUT kicks into panic mode, then, tempered hy a shot of
ZiZkovice, it kicks into sixth gear. You start brainstorming your
solutions, when your Honza arrives, first, hugging you and /

! saying how exoited he is to read for the hed time in ron of a
crowd. In Zifkov! ps ERT ge * m m

2 You act all confident and E then break down in tears. ou
piss yourself a little. The warmth gives your comfort. :
Honza has your back, of course, and together you will figure it

E all out! He suggests the pub nextdoor, which is, like, fine, and

- you roll up to find the place empty, the bartender waving you in
as you 5 ARE 17 qus can naye your 5 ee
3 en E F] : - K

245 M guys gonna drink? You say hell yes!
v Ew Seventeen people actually arrive. They all love it.
xul — Except Milan, your mom's new boyfriend, who leaves na way and |
doesn't even pay for his beer. Fuck Milan.» | r

de
his.

Li

- also the term "soup" which is when someone does a pre-shoot enema
, and fills themselves up with too much water. the water raises high
In the colon and mixes with what was eaten. By the time it comes
out, the person could he halfway through the scene and simply serve

"the business itself is the white meat market, but if you have some

limits and want to keep your soul, there is still some Ways to come
Out with pride left in you. "

E
= =

~ you get a porn teacher. you will he as open-minded as they are and B
of course you can evolve to top up your skills, depending on your
potential, IQ, and personality. The basics are shown to beginners
in a very relaxed manner.

it could
- if people knew what happened behind the camera,

eee lead to smarter audiences who stop watching it, or even en
openly act against it. Because you realize, that it is disturbing at =

p utside of the
| ^ but what you get is a tool that you can use o
videoshoots. some people pay good money to fuck a porn star..

ZIZKOV'S
BEST WIP
AND RUB
HOUSE.

Miss Sheryll Thomas
That was one of the best
wipes i've had in years-and |
have 5 years experience.

Mrs. Leanne K. Allen

| love the weekend parties at
WIPE & RUB ! | look forward
to being rubbed every week!

Mrs. Janet Kerford-Jones
My friends from Zurich love
visiting me and going to the rub
house!

Mrs. Jennifer Varnev
My colleague recommended
me to get wiped. She was
right. | just needed a gocd
wipe.

Mr. Paul E. Moore
Unfortunately my Wife does not
wipe me anymore. WIPE &
RUB offers a solution!

Mrs. Deborah Henry

I wish we had something like
this in Vinohrady! I hate going
trekking through Žižkov!

Zine Creators
Under,

Investigation

( NOVÉ MĚSTO ) Prague

Zine creators are under
investigation after it

ap

was revealed that their Average Czech Beer

art is not registered in
the Central Database
for Aesthetics and
Economics.

The investigation is in
response to the 2025
influx of zines in
Prgaue which span genre
and language, each
acting as,

"lan] attack on the
institutional regulator
of aesthetic and the
economy of art," stated
representative Jan
Topik.

When pressed, Topik
replied,

"In order for art to
retain its profitable
status, it must first he
qualified under an
artistic category;
simply, unregulated art
poses threats to our
oversight."

In response, zine
creators are protesting
the investigation hy
registering their work
as "hazardous pulp
byproducts.”

In a move to bypass the
ruling, creators found a
loophole in the
sanitation code. under
current industrial
laws, waste products
cannot be taxed as
luxury goods.

By devaluing their own
work to the status of
feces, they are
stripping the
Institution of its power
to gatekeep while

E ode denying
the state its desire to
squeeze profit from the
newly resigstered
feces. -

Consumption
Skewed by $ uys at
Viktoria Zizkov

( ŽIŽKOV ) The annual
figures of Czech Beer
Consumption have been
released hy the Drink
Registry of National
Knowledge (DRONE),
revealing that the
methodology for
collecting the data is,
again, skewed hy 3 guys
who hang out at that
little park at Viktoria
which DRONK uses for
its primairy control
group.

The data found that
about 1.42 billion
liters of beer are
consumed in the
country DRONK
clarified that the
figure was calculated
using a "representative
baseline” of 22,000 beers
consumed by Honza
Tomas, and Slavomir of
Viktoria
iZkov--approximately
20 beers per day per
toam member--then
scaled to the national
population.

At press time, DRONK
officials stated that
the 5 men are not
"outliers” but a m ud
recognized Nationa
Calibration Standard,
consulted whenever
national averages
exceed tolerable
sobriety thresholds.

The squad has been
awarded, for the third
consecutive year, the
privilege to continue
representing the state
at the Prague-5
korder-crossing between
Nove Mésto and the
Republic of Zizkov.

Kunsthalle

ffers Course
on How to be
Subjective

P d
( MALA STRANA ) The
Kunsthalle Gallery
has announced a new
initiative to
standardize the
viewer experience. a
paid course on how to
properly use your
eyes.

Por 5,500 kd
(seriously) the
six-week program
promises to teach the
publie the "correct"
way to be subjective.

the Institution
invokes Marcel
Duchamp's claim that
"the work is not
completed until the
onlooker
reacts"--conveniently
impl ing that this
compietion now comes
with a tuition fee.

The syllabus covers
the distinctions
between "serious,"

, "tacky," and

"marvelous,” eneus ng
that for the price o
a utility bill, your
ersonal taste can
inally align with
the Institution's
investment portfolio.

KROTC

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O

ROC

O ag e ©

o 7 missed konnections

Q S i to us:) KROTCH@OBJECTPARADISE.COM Q
eve? | €0060000000000000000

WAM ( TRAM 6, BRUSELIKA )- I dat on when they were arrestiag you. You dropped
a wrench but you still managed to ask if I had a lighter?? You had brown
hair and deep blue eya. Who are you?? Where are you??? How are you????.
Hope to see you again...

MAM ( TESCO ANDEL, CARP FARMER )- You had blood all over your hands and
appologized for getting some on me. You spoke good english even though you
were emkarassed, I'd love to give you private lessons and talk about our
futures.

M4W ( POETRY READING, NUSLE ) - You said it was your first time reading your
poetry outioud. I thought that was weird--did you mean in front of people?
I wonder what it's like in your head. I wouid like to yisit sometime. I was
wearing the purple earrings and shiney white shoes. Dope to hear you read
again.

W4W ( THE JAM, LETNA ) - You were here in an undefinable presence, I was there
sitting in cheap perfume from the potraviny. I thought of you. You did
not.

W4M ( CAUGHT YOUR GLANCE, VIKTORÍA, ZIZKOV ) - long shot -- but a few weeks ago
I shared a beautiful few seconds with you. you were wearing a red beanie
and had pink paint spots. all down the front of your pants, We both looked
back at each other and I Wish you would have ran after me. I had time
that day. 99 —

M4W ( WE FINALLY GOT DRUNK er ETHER, ZIZKOY ) - We had such a good time
together and I always thought you were kind of cute, We made plans to go
on a date that night but you got too drunk añt then I never heard from
you again. Ami overthinking you? I have bikes we can ride in spring.

W4WM ( NOVA DOBA, LETNA )- We were ali drining til san & few Tuesdays ago--

just the three of us. l was waiting for either of you to make the move, We
talked about your open relationship and I could feel her sizing me up.each
time i got up to take a piss. Why did you have to lead me on ali Less T
basically lost my fucking job the next day. UN

AM ( YOU BROKE MY NOSE, SUBZERO ) - You broke my nose in the moshpit TE dien

abided my orders for beer and vodka. Although it didn't work mae for you, I

appreciated the effort. See you. ee

MAN ( WE HOOKED UP ONCE - NOW STEP OFF ) Tou are a shit head 24/7. If you get
your shit together and get your shit out of my house then ill maybe
consider it.

MW4M (AMERICAN MAN IN AN IRISH BAR, WENCELAK ) You played us two songs: "I'm
So Sick" By Flyleaf and 21 Questions" by 50 Cent. Both were exceptional.
Please have sex with my wife.

5

RECCOMENDS | b
E

- Pivoika (album release) + Aran Tm e
p AT Punctum

. Cousins Like Shit
5 AT Klubovna

——— ——

; Hansen + a Pace of Fuzz
AT Cafe v Lese

+ LAOKOON

|

|
Market + 7 Roll: Buch 1
AT Meet Factory

David's Sister + Blau

D T Giant + OTK
M Kastan ü

STRES + BBT DRIVE
AT Palác Akropolis

— — —-—— ae — — e ee

ww MAN Presents: lenongra» + LEVAG
Alpha Strategy i
AT ona 10 | =

— —